So I know I’m late posting the 2nd installment of my first 2 part miniseries. How do I explain this?? Ummmm…I’m fucking lazy. Yeah, that’s it…I was too lazy to give a shit about writing this on time. But It was worth waiting for. Because this is the true nature of my relationship with Bob. And it’s really Bad. So, if you remember my Titanic VHS analogy, this would be VHS tape 2. And Jesus…does the ship go down….down…down….down………..
Let’s fast forward 8 years as to where we left off. I was 28 when he and I reconnected through a mutual friend who thought it would be great to get us back together. I was successful in my own right at the time, making money and had a stellar career. He was divorced, had 5 kids (4 from his wife, 1 from their baby-sitter), no job, dependent on alcohol and drugs, and had a felony record. But for some reason I was so strongly attracted to him. I believed I could help turn him around and make him a better person and better father. I believed he wanted to be good but just didn’t know how. I believed the reason he was so fucked up was because his parents made him that way, (which is a huge piece to the dysfunction puzzle) and I needed to help him eliminate his dependency on those vile people. What I didn’t know then was he didn’t want any of those things. He just wanted to possess and drag me down into his pit of wicked and flawed sense of reality. A decent into madness it was, however it took me 11 months to see and realize it.
- 1st reason I should have bailed-At the time we first got together, he was constantly driving his friend to Detroit to have an abortion. She decided no 3 times until she finally did. I asked him why she insisted he take her. He said he had no idea. It wasn’t till after I finally got away I had the possible realization “Well, that kid could have been his. Huh.”
- 2nd Reason I should have bailed-He would pick up dogs who were wandering on the road and put them on Craiglist to make some quick cash. Still didn’t see it.
- 3rd Reason I should have bailed-He smoked pot all day long because “It was the only thing to keep him calm”. I would find him after I got home from work holed up in the house w/ his equally waste of human space friends smoking to the point of catatonia.
- 4th reason-He decided to rent out a store front to sell tobacco. He never came home. He would stay up there all day and night. I went with him one time because he wanted to show me what he was working on. Nothing was done. But there were many computers set up. When I asked about them he said it was because he had to find cheap inventory to start up and would use them simultaneously as to not miss out on a great deal. Turns out he was involved in a check fraud scam.
- 5th reason-He was so in rears regarding his child support, he had no parental rights to his kids. He only saw them when his parents had them. I still wasn’t seeing the problem.
- 6th Reason-An unemployment check to him was being employed. He said he was owed that money after paying into the system as long as he did. At my insistence, he would apply for jobs to make me happy, but he would never go to the interview.
- 7th Reason-Meredith Montgomery McKay and Nick Hackett have a sixth sense when it comes to my boyfriends. Everytime I bring one around they are more than hospitable but when I inform them it didn’t work out, I always get the “We know. He wasn’t right for you.” However, with Bob, they knew immediately he was trouble. Although they never said so while I was with Bob, I found out later they were very concerned for me because they knew he wasn’t just bad, he was BBAAAADDDDD!!!
- 8th Reason-While I was at work, he was hanging out with this chick who, he said, they were “working together” finding jobs on Craiglist. She had a set of twins who wandered around by themselves while she was busy getting high in her bedroom. They were barely one. And although this bothered me immensely, I was still looking through rose colored glasses.
- 9th reason-I found out he stole a vehicle by passing a fraudulent 3rd party check to pay for it. The people he passed the check to were dumb enough to take it in the first place but smart enough to turn his ass in. That part was easy for them since being as smart as Bob thought he was, he gave them his drivers licence information so it would look legit. He was put in the slammer for 3 days. Guess who paid his bail? The dumbass Me.
Even after all this bullshit, I was still thinking he needed me to set him straight and what we needed was to get away from the people who made him do bad, illegal things. It didn’t even occur to me he was the bad one they should have been running away from. We found a cute house to rent in the sticks. And things were good the first 3 months. That is until I got internet into the house. Guess What?He was also an internet addict. Fan-fucking-tastic. So it got worse. We will commence with number 10..
- 10th Reason-In addition to being addicted to internet, alcohol, and drugs, he was also dependent on the prescription drug adderal, which he took because it made him feel “energetic”. All it did was make him chase his tail all day like a dog. Round, round, and round, and he never got anything done.
- 11th Reason-Turns out he’s physically abusive when he’s drunk and high, and he had domestic violence records. Guess I should have done a background check (Never ever go out with a man without a background check. I don’t care if you knew him back when. Example of why lies within this post). He gave me my first shiner, and even though I kicked him out, it was only for a few days. I was running back for more.
- 12th Reason- 7 months into this hellish relationship, and now not only was he drunk and high all the time, he was incalculably paranoid and crazy. For example, this actually happened. He searched the internet and found a chat post pertaining to people asking advise regarding cheating. When he stumbled upon it, he swore it was me that wrote it because he knew I was cheating on him. What!? Ummmmm…We all know, not in every case but most, only cheaters accuse others of cheating.
- 13th Reason-Oh yeah, I forgot he crashed my parents van who had been so kind to lend it to him to help him get back on his feet. They also put him in the slammer for it which I, of course, supported them doing. When I refused to go pick him up when he was released, he called his mommy and daddy who felt so bad for their baby they picked him up and dropped him on my front porch. Nice. Assholes.
Finally, the day came where I couldn’t take it anymore. And you know what it took? After barading me through the evening and night, a total of 18 hours regarding God only knows, he threatened me with “Yeah, go to work. But I can’t guarantee you will ever see your cats alive again.” That was it. He threatened my babies. I called my mom and we had me moved out in 8 hours. And considering he was an unemployed worthless excuse of a human being, everything we had was mine (Except the marijuana plants he had growing in our closet. He informed me I was forbidden to touch those. So out of respect, I tore those fuckers right out of the soil.) With my sister’s help we packed up and moved an entire house in that time frame. Furniture and all. (Including the cats who have been safely in my possession since.)
Lesson #187-This is another lesson I think we all have to learn for ourselves. You can not change anyone. I had hoards of people screaming at me to get away from him, but I wasn’t hearing any of it. Bob said something pivotal to me before I left which started to change my course regarding our relationship. After asking him why he couldn’t just let go of being a convict, He asked me “Why do you think I’m not being who I want to be?” This dumbfounded me. I could not understand why someone would want to be running from the law for the rest of their life. But once he said it, I realized he couldn’t swallow a life of which I strive for. A life of goodness, honesty, hard work, and perseverance. He got his feelings of achievement by getting away with what he could illegally.
So if you are someone who has people practically slapping the side of your head, exasperated because you won’t understand what is bad for you, tell them this something that you need to work out for yourself. Remember..no one changes unless they decide to change. Here’s another one. If you find yourself enabling someone because “you don’t want to see them hurt, hungry, or homeless”…stop. Enabling is only helping this person stay on a damning path. I’m a huge believer in once the bottom drops out for someone destructive, life then gets real….quick. If you want to help them, stop taking care of them and let the bottom plunge. You might then see some results.
As for Bob, I haven’t spoken to him in 3 1/2 years, and to be honest, I like it this way. The last time we spoke on the phone, he was so sweet and sincere then quickly turned the conversation on it’s head to blaming me for the problems we had. I hung up. We were broken up for 7 months by this time and I was still tired. Tired of feeling like it didn’t matter what I said. Feeling like I had said it all. He wasn’t getting it or he wasn’t allowing it to penetrate his steel resolve of being a stupid self absorbant asshole. He friends me on facebook every now and then. And all I do is ignore it. I think to myself whenever I see his friend requests I should block him. But then again, I am highly aware of the sense of authority and strength I have over him when I hit the ignore button, and how empty and alone his existance must feel when he realizes I will never care enough to say hi.
(If anyone is confused by my title regarding the titanic using pictures of Bonnie and Clyde..me too. But to be honest the two go hand in hand regarding this relationship. So…it’s actually perfect. Bonnie and Clyde were on the Relationship SS Titanic as well…)