Mr./Miss. Office Bitch

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It is of my opinion the office bitch tends to make their appearence as the result of being in over their head professionally. Bitchy co workers/managers are difficult to navigate. They tend to fixate on the little nitpicky things that shouldn’t matter and feel they are perfectly in their right to do so. They love to fixate on you if (Now, of course, excessive sick time taken and lateness are a problem. I’m talking about every now and then), you call in sick, are a few minutes late, or actually have the office taboo..an opinion. Why do they occupy themselves on making our daily life hell? It’s easy..THEY SHOULDN’T BE IN THE MANAGEMENT ROLL THEY HAVE BEEN GIVEN. They shouldn’t be manager because they have difficultly focusing on what really matters. And what really matters is big manager stuff like sales numbers, office morale, coping with their own manager, and meeting what’s expected of them. No they can’t do that. So what they do is focus on you. And whatever about you they can control. Nice right?

And I’m going to stop everyone right here for a moment to get honest with everybody. If an identity of an individual which my words of wrath targets is identified and asked his/her opinion of my work ethic in the work place, it is very possible I would fall under this category. Though difficult for me to admit, my emotions tend to be all over the place, which has made me a challenge for some to manage. Have I been in over my head? Absolutely. However I must defend my actions to say I tend to get emotional when management misinterprets my emotions as weak. When I am judged harshly, I tend to go into a flight mode which renders me unable to fight. Although, this could also be shot down. I have been known to fight with others..but only when they deserved it.

With this being said I can now continue, with clear conscience, to testify that I have worked with male/female bitches. Back in the day I had a coworker, Nancy, who enjoyed using her office bitch status to unleash her stress by terrorizing everybody in the office. She was tricky because she could be really nice and enjoyable one moment, then pounce like a ravenous lion the next. I remember specifically her being in my face yelling about something I did incorrectly and every time I turned my head, trying to find an exit strategy, her medusa gaze followed. It took a manager to physically remove her from my personal space. (I should have hauled off and smacked the bitch in her face but I didn’t, and don’t ever do that!!)

In recent years, I have had the privilege of working for two bitch managers in a row. The first, I will give some slack, being I chalk a lot of her unkindness up to the fact she was so young and inexperienced. But God, could she scare the hell out of you. She had a look kind of like medusa’s before her. What was the worst about her was she was the passive aggressive type of office bitch. The type that would tell you you’re an idiot to your face then laugh..just kidding..no really..laugh..seriously..I don’t think you’re an idiot..laugh. That type. But I dealt with her just fine. I find passive aggressiveness fun and called her an idiot many times. Laugh….no jk’s here.

The second was just sad and pathetic. This guy was probably the prissiest bitch I’ve met in my entire life..and I’m a prissy bitch. Everything had to work out according to his plan. He absolutely could not deal with “the curve ball”. I’ll paint you a story. I had the misfortune of breaking my arm a few years back by tripping on my Barbie heels and being rushed to the emergency room 1 minute before my sister’s wedding shower. (That was the only lucky thing that came out of this scenario). This was a Sunday. I took off Monday, went to work by my manager’s insistence Tuesday (he bitched about no evening coverage. God forbid he would stay so his employee with the broken arm could rest comfortably at home), took off Wednesday, had surgery Thursday, then was out on FMLA leave for two weeks. When I told him about the mandatory 2 week leave, he was very unhappy, bitched about how was he going to find coverage, but they would manage, I should have been more careful, look at what I was doing to him. The two weeks went by, and to my surprise, the arm healed within that short amount of time. As a joke, I called Mr. Office Manager Bitch to tell him I needed another 2 weeks for my arm to heal. You could feel the thunder start to roll even though it was nothing but silent on the other end. Then I heard him start banging his fists on his desk. I cut him off just as soon as the verbal assault was to begin. He tried smacking me with a warning when I went back to work for the two weeks I took off. But if I love a bitch, I love nothing better than a stupid one. I had FMLA coverage. He left very shortly after that being I set the target firmly on his back.

Lesson Number 165 -I have been successful at managing the Mr. or Miss. Bitch and maybe because I tend to be one myself. They’re looking for a reason to fight, so just don’t give them one. If they’re pissed because you called off sick, get a doctors note. Pissed because you were 10 minutes late, try your best to be 5-10 minutes early. And as advised in my previous post..avoid bringing HR into the situation at all cost unless you feel compelled they must know about the situation and there is no way you can be brought down. Here‘s a fun analogy. If Meryl Streep is to oscars, the office bitch is to manipulation, so use your own manipulation skills and defuse the bitch with their own manipulation tactics. Nothing renders the office bitch more powerless than you agreeing with their charge of you. My biggest piece of advise is just listen, swallow, and smile. If they accuse you of poor numbers you say your right, I do have poor numbers, and I could really use your advise on how to get them back up. (Imagine big eyes popping out of their heads here). For God sakes, Don’t EVER let them get you to argue back because this only pours fuel on the fire, and they just got what they wanted, a fight.

Oh, and finally, wait it out..they only have 1-2 years left (this is a high estimate) until they leave on their own accord or finally cross the no no line and get the axe. The bitchier they become, the closer you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or you can find a new job. No guarantees it would be any better. Bitches are everywhere!

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