My Strange Affliction for Men of the Cloth

priest and girlSssssssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….ok..not to my best attributes, but, for some reason I, long ago, developed this attraction to men who practice and preach religious beliefs and who have made the declaration before God to dedicate their existences to spreading the good word onto others. I have no idea why. I suspect it has something to do with

    The Thornbirds

. This show was very popular when I was a child and if you have never heard of this show because you were born after 1990, it was about a priest and a young girl’s forbidden love affair. I believe the show maybe somehow seeped into my psyche somewhere and influenced this naughty, dirty, BLASPHEMOUS obsession. However if you were to ask me if I wanted to marry a man of the word, absolutely a resounding no. No..my attraction comes from a place of wanting to seduce a man who is supposedly unseduceable, winning over God, the power of feeling stronger than God. Yeah..that’s the draw. Absolute Power over the male species. The ordained male species.

Most disturbingly this burden arose when I was 18 years of age. It all started through an affiliation with my high school sweetheart. Hit me, but I was really lucky to have had the most incredible sweetheart ever. He opened doors, serenaded me with his sassy saxophone playing at prom, took me out every weekend (and was with me everyday), was never late, and always called on time when promised. He was also catholic. He was soooo catholic (you know the type ladies and gents??) and held on very tightly to the notion that sex comes only after marriage. And that is where my interest in him waned and I went looking for something that would satisfy the gaping hole only pressured virginity provides.

High School Sweetheart had a brother. A much older, intelligent, attractive, funny brother. This brother also had set his future on studying to be a man of the cloth. A Catholic Priest..forbidden to have sex or marry a woman. And being the wicked sinner I was (who am I kidding..still am) he became my seductive target.

Quite honestly, this morbid affair could have been nipped in the ass if he wouldn’t have returned my advances, but he seemed to respond very positively when I just so happened to move in too close for the kill. I think he knew I was coming on to him and he loved it. And where was High School Sweetheart? He was there..just too naïve to see what was unfolding right before his eyes. What did he have to worry about? It was his brother..who was studying the priesthood. And he had no idea what level of whore I was since he didn’t care to get to know that side of me.

Shamefully, I’m going to recount for you now a rainy afternoon where (let’s call him dirty daddy) Dirty Daddy called me to inform he was bored and wanted someone to play board games with him. I had just graduated High School and Sweetheart was working that day. I knew this was my opportunity to finally seduce and claim Dirty Daddy’s condemned soul as my own. I got ready to go over. I’m talking full hair, the hottest lipstick (which at the time was dark lip liner and metallic lipstick (shudder) 1999..burn in hell) low cut shirt for boobs and mid, and a gold butterfly necklace which Dirty Daddy and Sweetheart’s mother had given me for graduation (Sick). I went over and I can’t tell you what we played but I do know there was A LOT of sexual tension building up which was immediately deflated when Dirty Daddy’s mother arrived home from work. Deeply disappointed I left soon after and while driving home I felt anger that my plan of attack had been thwarted by the untimely arrival of mom.

It wasn’t that long after High School Sweetheart and I started going through our rough patch which ultimately ended with us parting ways after 3 years together. We pulled apart soon after the subject of marriage was brought up and he expressed he wanted to marry me. Freaked the fuck out, I somehow managed to blurt out I was in love with his brother. He looked at me like I had just blown a hole through his gut using an AK-47. But I didn’t feel bad for saying it. It wasn’t until after he left my house in a fury that it dawned on me I wouldn’t see Dirty Daddy again without his connection. I grabbed my car keys and rushed over to his house to find Dirty Daddy on the front stoop of their home. I knew everyone knew. I asked to speak to Sweetheart and Dirty Daddy said Sweetheart wouldn’t see me. I was hoping Dirty Daddy would say something to me, or ask me not to leave. But he didn’t. He just sat on the stoop and I knew my time there was done.

I heard later Dirty Daddy left his ambition to join the priesthood shortly after Sweetheart and I broke up. Even as I write this I hear “Family Guy’s” Stewie’s “Victory is Mine” play over in my head. Good Lord!!

Not done. A few years later Charlotte Grant and I decided the best place to meet rich men would be to join a church in an affluent area. Smart..except that we didn’t count on the fact typically married men with wives and children joined church services on Sunday Mornings. Since the pickin’s were slim, I started fixating on the church’s minister. He was much older (late 40’s) and there was something very distinguished about him and his nature. But also something Dirty. There was something about him where I knew he wasn’t what he seemed and while he was in the pulpit preaching the good word, only God knew I was dreaming of the dirty things he might do to me. I can’t tell you how many times Charlotte would look over at me and see my glazed over eyes. She would typically nudge to remind me we where in God’s house and ask me to come back to mental place of sanctity.

Lesson 21-For God sakes, leave the men of cloth alone. I know it’s dirty and appealing to think they would abandon God for you, but lets face it. If they abandon the church it’s because higher powers are calling them to do so. Do yourself a favor and decide against eternal damnation for yourself, even if leading others to it is fun and exciting.

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