The link between disasterous relationships and Mountain Dew

Cola isn't exactly Mountain Dew but you get it.

Cola isn’t exactly Mountain Dew but you get it.

Most recently I was forced to evaluate a very puzzling link between some grown men, unhealthy obsessions with Mountain Dew, and their personal maturity level. To me, Mountain Dew is the soft drink that looks like it came from a nuclear plant and the United States didn’t know how to dispose of it so some crazy scientist was able to modify it’s chemical composition into a soft drink and now we kill brain cells consuming the stuff willingly at an alarming rate. For some reason I have encountered more men in my existence obsessed with the stuff then women. Which forced me to evaluate how many of my bad relationships with men could have been prevented if I had stumbled upon this link earlier in life.

Most recently I had engaged in an October to December 2012 romance with a man who I was quickly convinced at the time was my soul mate (thanks to my psychic who drove the notion home..crazy bitch isn’t right all the time). First date was magical. He was unable to take his eyes off me and by the end of the week was introducing me to friends and family. By the next week he had moved out of his town house which he shared with his friend in order to (as he explained it) be closer to his family, daughter, and me. The next 2 weeks all I saw was stars. Stars which, when I thought of him and our future together, continuously swirled with light so blinding I couldn’t see that bizarre neon yellow liquid he drank can after can of. By Thanksgiving the relationship was already starting to fizzle. I first noticed the signs when he took a call from an ex-girlfriend who he continuously complained about while we were cuddling on the couch. By the next week he wasn’t calling as frequently, was choosing to hang out with his work comrades, and didn’t ask me to tag along. By early December I had lost my mind completely (which was not uncommon) and in a fit rage called him and demanded him to tell me whether he wanted to be with me or not. I can tell you for certain..he chose not.

Circling back to the soda, it was February or March of this year where I made this pivotal connection and thought back on all my relationships which had a common denominator of the liquid sugar acid know as Mountain Dew . There was at least 4-5 other past relationships where Mountain Dew seemed to be the lurking indicator of impending doom. Now able to think clearly about the relationship that had just imploded, I could clearly now see he had some serious issues which I was unwilling to notice that indicated his maturity level at the time. He was unemployed at the time we met, moved back in with his parents because he didn’t have the credit or work history to rent an apartment on his own, had a very unhealthy relationship with his mother, WOW (World of Warcraft for those of you who have a life), and had a pretty constant connection with this ex-girlfriend who he complained sounded like Fran Drescher on crack. We’re talking a 33 year old man who’s mother would check in on us constantly in his room to make sure we were not “commiting sin” in her home. I mean, I’m a fucking 32 year old woman, and when I finally came to my senses, this was the most persistant memory to convince myself that he was in no way ready for (and neither was his mother) a mature life which included mature relationships. His immaturity was screaming at me the whole time, but mine was unwilling to recognize it.

Lesson Number 429-Here’s my evaluation, in no way professional, of the immature mind and Mountain Dew. I believe Mountain Dew is the nectar of life which immature males (and females) subsist on because it tastes the way they feel and gives validation to their unworthy existence. I’m not going to lie, Mountain Dew is delicious, but I can’t help but feel slightly guilty that I just inundated my bodily temple with more caffeine and sugar than it should have to handle on a monthly basis. But for those with no cranial capacity to care about what the cost of sugar acid has on their pancreas, it gives joy and makes them forget for a moment about their short comings. So here’s my advise for the mature male/female looking for another mature male/female to start a serious relationship with. If your Mr./Mrs. Right drinks more Mountain Dew than the FDA advises, walk away. If they can’t respect their bodily temple, how is it possible they can respect your emotional well being?

Do not mistake. I have known and worked with friends and professionals who I would not discount as being highly evolved and mature individuals who enjoy this refreshing sludge `on a time to time basis. But these individuals will typically buy diet or ask to split their rations with others. So if you are dating someone or know someone who indulges their Mountain Dew cravings but only every now and then, there is no need for an intervention. Like I said..some crazy scientist got us hooked for a reason. It’s just human nature why we feel the need to indulge into some liquid cancer every now and then.

(P.S. Please forgive any errors you notice regarding this composition. Charlotte Grant, Best Friend and editor, was out of town this weekend.)


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